chameleon 07.10.2021

 Shelby trying to list off brands of chewing tobacco: 

“YUKON!”

“TAHOE!”

“HUSKY!”

Everyone else, “……grizzly?”

WHOMAN “Who’s your human?” 07.12.2021

But seriously the feminine/masculine energy concept is so so so very interesting to me. Because it eliminates the traditional concept of biological gender. And it just talks about a human being in an intangible sense. Meaning it’s not about the vessel that holds our being, it’s about the parts of who we are that can’t be explained in a physical sense. The makeup of WHO we are and not WHAT we are.

A human that was created with two types of…energies (Feminine/Masculine) that express themselves in differing amounts. The more accepted concept of gender identification or the more accepted finite definitions of Femininity vs. Masculinity assume that a human is one or the other but not both. And society determines whether you are one versus the other by only one criterion: the type of sex organs that are on your body. But the reality is that both Feminine and Masculine energy exist within all of us. More often than not, one will express itself more dominantly than the other. When we say things like “he’s a man’s man” or “she’s a girly girl” or “she’s a tom boy” or “he’s a bit feminine” we are actually describing how dominant their Masculinity or Femininity is. Occasionally, they express themselves at similar levels. (This reminds me of this tiktok trend I’m obsessed with called “bi wife energy” where a bisexual wife films their husband in the grocery store and it generally portrays the husband’s exuding an energy that differs from a husband with a straight wife. And it’s true! And I am going to try my best to tell you why I think that is.) 

Here’s a graphic from The Better Me:

The graphic appropriately describes both types of energy. I like that the masculine and feminine descriptors have no bias toward a biologically defined gender. The words aren’t inherently male or female. None of the words in the diagram have discrete negative or positive connotations. The diagram also conveys that the two energies are in balance. 

I’m asserting that if you’re looking for a person that you are compatible with, there must be a balance of masculine and feminine energy between the two of you. In a fulfilling relationship, a human being would be free to express both their masculine and feminine energy with ease. And the other will feel the same freedom of expression. Nothing feels hidden or unsafe.

For example, I was married before and completely unhappy. The relationship required me to solely express masculine energy. I felt responsible for everything and I was extremely disciplined. There was absolutely no room for me to express my feminine energy. And for me, I’m in balance if I’m expressing more feminine than masculine. I was wonky and unfulfilled. The marriage failed because I burnt out. I had no time to be creative or supportive. I had no space to reflect and ground. I had no energy left to be nurturing or empathetic. I had no time to be myself. No space to be myself.

I’m now in a healthy marriage and my partner naturally exudes a masculine energy with a smaller expression of feminine energy. He is notably empathetic and patient and grounded and reflective. Whereas, my character is more closely aligned with a feminine energy with a small dose of expressed masculinity because I am also confident, I tend to seek appreciation, and I have a strong presence. 

Together, we have balance. Yin and yang, y’all.

The trick here is to live authentically. Who you are is not always what the world perceives you as. Who you are is not defined by another’s perception of you at all. Yet, so many allow their entire identity to hinge upon anybody else’s reality but their own. The goal should never be to change a person’s perception of you. The goal is that how others perceive you and what you REALLY are made of…end up being synonymous. In other words, the you that only you see should also be the you that everyone else sees. 

Because these two energies are going to fight within us trying to confuse “who we are” with “who we want the world to think we are”. The world says we are one or the other and the world also tends to say that the masculine energy is acceptably expressed only by men and that it is more valuable than feminine expression. Feminine energy is only acceptably expressed by a woman. But even though it’s acceptable, it’s less valuable to the society I live in.

My whole life I’ve loved the color pink and taking care of baby dolls and babies. And I love glittery things. And I love singing at the top of my lungs in my bedroom and throwing on some brightly colored clothes and my sister’s high heels and making up dances and feeling the music. I love the creativity and vibrancy of it. I love how the music and the dancing is a way for me to connect with my emotions and work through them. My senior year of high school, I journaled every single day because I needed space to express my feminine energy by reflecting and grounding.  I love that these are creative and vulnerable activities. These things are not bad or unusual. But I grew up thinking that I couldn’t do any of them without some small level of insecurity because the world told me that loving pink and glitter and playing with dolls was for wussies or girls that weren’t tough or strong. I grew up thinking that if I was vulnerable and cried when I was sad, I was not being logical and I lacked confidence and discipline. If I spent time working through my emotions by putting pen to paper or scream singing in the car…I was dramatic and broody. My preferences and forms of expression were not wrong or negative. And even if I were a man, and this was how I expressed myself—it would, at the very least, seem to abnormal to some. Because I would be a man expressing with feminine energy. So, not only am I  being measured and perceived as “right” or “wrong” by my ability to act in tandem with my assigned gender and society’s affiliated and appropriate expression of it. But I’m also a bit inhibited because we haven’t valued the feminine as much as we really should.

If I was logical and confident, I was also intimidating or bitchy. If I was creative or imaginative, I was also illogical and irresponsible. If I had a strong presence, I was annoying and disruptive. If I was responsible and disciplined, I was boring. But if a man is logical and responsible and strong and disciplined—he’s promoted and praised. That’s where the difference lies. 

People’s perception of me was inhibiting my ability to be who I really was. Before I had a choice in the matter, my biological gender was associated with weakness and because my femininity makes up a lot of who I am. I could have ended up stifled and stagnant if I continued to buy into the lie that I must adapt in order to be accepted and valued. I realize now that the Feminine and Masculine do not exist independent of one another. We can be creative and disciplined. We can be logical and vulnerable. We can be both trusting and analytical. 

Think about it this way. Do you know any identical twins (this also works for siblings that aren’t even twins)? Identical twins share the exact same DNA code (siblings get equal amounts of DNA from the same two people). In the more extreme case of twins, all of their physical attributes should be exactly alike. But the kicker is that they have their own distinctive personalities. Even if they are raised in the same home and subjected to the same outside environment. One human being might be more reflective and nurturing and introverted (more feminine) while the other human that has the exact same genetic makeup (sex organs and all) might be described as a more focused and analytical individual (masculine). But if they were finitely assigned to be only female and feminine at birth, we generally would describe that person’s character strictly by the FEMININE traits they are either lacking in or expressing more of. For example, the first biologically female twin might be described as being “a mother hen” or “emotional” (generally feminine descriptors but with a tone that’s somewhat demeaning). The second biologically female twin who is more often described as focused and analytical might be called “boring” or “uptight” because they’re describing their lack of a more dominant feminine expression as being inadequate and unnatural. When they are both perfectly normal… I’m not saying everyone is this narrow minded. But I am saying that the bias likely exists in all of us. I’m an advocate for equity, but I still see that my bias exists within me. And I choose to recognize and fight against it.

So…we have a world of people living in a constant battle with their natural state of being. The Feminine and the Masculine energies within people are at an imbalance because the world and society have polarized them. You’re one or the other, but can’t be both. Unless you reject the societal norm and choose to walk in who you are as YOU define yourself (and sever the tie between the tangible biological definition of Self that is finite and constrained with the intangible concept of Self that allows for uniqueness and authenticity), you may never experience a world of opportunities and experiences.

What sucks is that it seems society went even further and assigned some level of morality (good vs. bad) with how closely your biological gender aligns with a Masculine or Feminine energy. It seems like biologically defined females are only acceptably human if they express only feminine energy (but not too much because that’s bad, too). And males are only masculine if they are not effeminate. This assumption that if someone has a penis they cannot also be nurturing and vulnerable…is just wrong. Is it so hard to recognize that these coexist in all of us and should be expressed as such. When both energies are being expressed freely without bias or fear, they make up the whole of us that is truly authentic. 

So when we search for authentic connections, we are just searching for someone that’s equal and opposite energy to us because we know that they will hold space for us to express ourselves. If we all stopped masking and living within confined and dangerous gender expectations, so many more relationships would be harmonious (including the relationship we have with ourselves). But, it seems like we’d rather buy the bigger truck or shop for clothes we don’t need instead of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and feel feelings. We would rather dissociate than have a good cry.  What if we could just do both of those things because we fucking wanted to. I’d love to have a good cry in a nice big truck I just bought. But, in the past, I didn’t allow space to express both energies without fear. I cried when I was alone and felt shame and I bought clothes or things to distract from my real need to process emotion by being vulnerable and reflective. Imagine a world…or don’t. I can’t yet. Because it feels like if you are dominantly Feminine, you are either consciously or unconsciously perceived as weak and if you are dominantly Masculine, you can be seen strong and valued (good vs bad).

Weak. Strong. Last I checked, weak is not a synonym for creative, supportive, or trusting. Remember when I said that the listed words in that diagram were not characteristically associated with traditional (or outdated or obsolete or junk science) gender descriptors. I also said that none of the words had a discrete connotation. But it’s clear that weak is negative. And strong is positive. They have arguably discrete connotations. In other words…Strong is attractive. Weak is not. Strong is positive. Weak is negative. Strong is valued. Weak is useless. Strong is healthy. Weak is sick. The world has it twisted. The true Self is nuanced. And for whatever reason, society sees Masculine qualities as having more value than Female qualities. So, we either mask and choose to express ourselves unnaturally, which will only foster shallow relationships and a life of complacency or unrest. OR we live authentically and find relationships that allow for full freedom of expression. We are not binary. We are complex and multifaceted beings.

To sum it up, it’s time to change the narrative. Science is so great for the things that can be explained tangibly. But personalities and expression of Self are quite difficult to define. We can’t hold the divine Feminine in the palm of our hand like we can our organs. So, why do we use our sex organs that we, as humans, could neither control or predict… to be the only factor to play into the very intangible aspects of our being. Isn’t our personality more than our organs? But I have heard men called “pussies” when they are being emotional. And I have heard people describe men and women as ballsy “so they take shit from no one and are extremely effective leaders”. As if having one or the other determines your worth to society. And let’s not even get into the fact that balls happen to be the most sensitive part of the male body and can’t take a beating at all. And our female organs take a beating every month and then stretch to the size of the equator to birth a LIVE CHILD out of and somehow we still call bravery and strength “ballsy”. We might have only one set of sex organs (usually), but we have both types of energy (always). And both are needed and valuable. Similar to the fact that a biologically defined male generally has less estrogen than a female, but they still have estrogen. And those with female anatomy generally have less testosterone than a male, but they still have testosterone. And hormone levels vary from person to person. We will express both and we should seek out the BALANCE. 

It’s so simple, Emily. I’ve found the equation! I’m going to start a dating app. What should I call it? How about…

WHOMAN

“Who’s your human?”

That’s the name of the app and the tag line. 

What They Should Teach Us In School 7/10/2021

Mindfulness and meditation to quiet mind chatter (by doing art or listening to music or moving your body or breath work, etc.). We should learn more about diversity, equity & inclusion and understanding the unconscious bias. And…nutrition for health and wellness and not body mass index. And maybe teaching them how to establish essential values for themselves and how to live by them and how all facets of their life would be affected if they were or were not truly honoring those values. Maybe we stop forcing a freshmen in high school to choose a career pathway…when they are almost 10 years away from their prefrontal cortex being fully developed. So, why don’t we teach people to figure out who they are and invite them to embrace all of it and walk firmly in that before they figure out how they’re going to get a job that has good retirement benefits so they can be comfortable FIFTY years from when they are being asked to contemplate it. I don’t even know what I am gonna eat for dinner, let alone what I’ll be doing just ONE year from now. So many young adults feel like they are lacking real purpose and they’re unhappy. So, if you could teach an adolescent to periodically check in with what drives them and WHY it drives them (essential values)…they’ll feel more fulfilled in the long run because they’ll have a strong awareness of self that allows them to name their emotions, how they’re expressing them, the level of importance, and what the situation calls for in order to realize harmony within all relationships. And maybe then we would have a more capable and confident workforce because they chose a job that fit well with their inherent and known strengths.

Sick Of Dave Matthews Band 07.08.2021

 To Stefani

It has taken me so long to get the energy to write this to you. Because nothing felt right and I don’t think I was ready to process all of this. I don’t think any of us ever will be. I know I’m experiencing pain but I also know the pain I feel is just a fraction of the pain that aunt cheryl, uncle Mike, Daddy, Jer, JR, and Mack are feeling. I’m writing this to you because I miss you and I love you and you left us far too soon and I never got to tell you all the memories I cherished growing up with you. To note: saving us when our car broke down, coloring with me, asking me to make you a morning playlist because you were getting sick of Dave Matthews band, when I was 7 I remember you taking me on a ride in your convertible Spyder with the top down on Thanksgiving day in Chicago—simply because I asked you, and shooting hoops with us in the basement for hours and hours. 

But. Why I’ve finally found the strength to write this is…

I’m sitting in my backyard watching tiktoks. And it was this video of a girl just sitting there with some soft music playing. And the sound then prompts her to close her eyes and imagine the younger you running up to the current you to give you a hug. And first of all I was not at all prepared for the waterworks that I experienced…But, second of all, I just had the vision of you, Stef. Because as a kid, I remember seeing you and being so excited to hug you. I thought you were the prettiest lady in all of the land. I told everyone when I was in 1st grade that I wanted to be an eye doctor. You were the best cousin a girl could dream up. 

Because you always saw us. But, like, in a way that made us feel so special and cared for and known. 

And, I guess, as an adult, I realize I’ve been trying so hard to emulate the love that you showed me and being that to the little people in my life. i have 4 nieces that absolutely adore their “auntie shelby” when i walk in the door, lots of little hands grab mine and lead me to their next adventure at mimi and peepo’s. i wanted to be their favorite when they walked in a room because of how I felt about you when I was their age. So, I’ve succeeded and I know that now. Especially after watching that video. I’m a total mess as I write this because I am so so grateful for you and all you brought to my life and so many others. This isn’t fair. I’ll never understand it. But I love you so very much. And I will admire all that you are for the rest of my life.

Damn you, morality!!!!! 07.10.2021

 J

I’ve basically decided that arguing with anyone these days is a complete waste of energy. Everyone has their minds made up already. 

ME

Lolol. It’s so true. But then I think about me. 

ME

And I’m like

ME

Yo. I changed my mind. 

ME

Or…ACTUALLY

ME

I think of it as I’m living my authentic self. I feel like I’m the same kid I was when I was 5. Like. Before all the hurt and confusion of the world got to me. 

ME

Like wow. Humans have free will and we aren’t being moved around by a giant puppeteer?? 

J

My only qualm with the idea of living as a full authentic self is that authentic self can have problems too. Like I wanted to kill my landlord today but I know I shouldn’t. 

ME

Hahahahahaha

ME

Damn you, morality!!!!!

ME

I’m only suffering every day because I believed that if I didn’t suffer constantly and agonize over my sins that I would live in the firey pits of hell forever? 

When do you think Christians are going to realize that they’ve just been being selfish by sitting in church and sucking up weird endorphins during the fancy worship and then going home and hating everyone after? And they’ve been selfish because ultimately we (not me presently) only care about saving ourselves from Hell…instead of, I don’t know, just enjoying our lives on earth? And not simplifying the experience as just a prelude to eternity and using that line of thinking to (unsuccessfully) pacify any kind of painful emotion.  Like imagine how great the world would be if we actually just loved and helped one another like Jesus said. And not used an ancient script to help us come to terms with the fact that we are turd humans and since we are, we are going to use this magical textbook to justify why we can be turds. 

J

But we have to pluck words and read them in plain English even though the magical textbook was written for an entirely different context in an entirely different language. But it says women should be silent in church so it’s a sin if you speak up

J

But we’re cool with ignoring the weird stuff from Leviticus

ME 

I think I read a passage once that said when a woman gets her period she needs to sit outside 

ME

Ok. But can we do that like at a spa? Outdoor spa?

J

It’s real! 

J

And if a dude has a wet dream he has to go out and bury it or something

J

But we read some stuff from the New Testament as it’s supposed to be directly applied to 2021 America

J

And then hit people upside the head with it and make them feel guilt for things they might not need to feel guilty about

ME

And I also remember feeling so guilty for never getting through the lineage chapters in the Bible 

ME

And always feeling so confused when people like got excited about reading the same book every day. 

ME

I can’t even watch the same movie twice. 

J

I’m not fully deconstructing (maybe decon light) but I think it see the Bible as the story of Jesus and people who read it daily are experiencing God through it

ME

Oh I’m with you on that. 

ME

I love Jesus 

ME

Like I really do. 

ME

Because he was human. And he loved people really hard and wide out in the open. And he never changed who he was even when he got shit on over and over. 

ME

That’s the kind of love I want to emulate. 

J

Preach

J

Not the “let’s storm the capital to and push our religion on everyone else by making some weird Christian nation” type of love