blog/
I was having a lovely evening with friends. I didn’t have a corkscrew. So I offered to go drive down the road to buy one. So I did. I went in and bought Chex mix. And I left and got in my car and realized I forgot the corkscrew. I went back in. They don’t have corkscrews. I drove further up the road to a different store. I went in and picked up a bottle of champagne. They didn’t have corkscrews. But the store owner gave me his and told me to bring it back tomorrow. I went to pay for my champagne. I had the wrong card. I went out to my car and got the right one. Drove back to the studio. Walked inside. Realized I forgot the corkscrew in my car. Walked outside and searched my car and realized that it wasn’t in my car. It was in my purse. I went back inside. Sobbing and exhausted because I know that I struggle. I know that.
I also know that I have to actively combat the negativity of actually experiencing these things. I will realize the mistake and shame and scold myself for being forgetful and time blind and irresponsible and disrespectful and…bad.
It’s frustrating because it feels like I’m actively making choices to move in a forward direction…but then there are days like today that are filled with the constant irritation that I have fucked up…again.
The eye rolls. The laughs I get with the stories I tell. The way I cope with humor by telling people about my adventures and they laugh because it’s cute and pathetic and quirky (it’s perceived as my personality and not my ASD/ADHD) and while it’s funny because it’s abnormal and outrageous, I’m actually just exhausted from having to explain why things just take me longer. And why I’m terrible at sarcasm. Why I can only wear a certain kind of sock, why I can’t touch paper, why I have said the word cockroach but meant cactus and McDonald’s when I meant Disneyland, why I sometimes start singing my feelings instead of feeling them, why I hate being touched if I don’t know you well enough, why I get anxious if I see a person in my peripherals, why I can’t understand you unless I’m either closing my eyes, doodling, or watching your mouth move. I hear you but I can’t understand you. This is why anything microfiber makes me want to rip my skin off, why static cling in my hair provokes a wildly uncontrollable urge to rip all of my hair out, why I listen to one song on repeat for up to months at a time, why I can effortlessly memorize raps and lyrics and site accurate statistics concerning topics that I’m passionate about. And why I sometimes have perfect and specific recall about a history subject that I took 6 hours to sit on my couch and learn everything about because I was hyper fixated. It’s also why I cannot memorize my route to work, why unless you are not being absolutely clear, I will not understand what you need. I can sense social cues but I will often adjust my behavior to see if it fixes things because I’m generally in fear of being scolded for being reactive or blunt. But now that I don’t do that, people get offended that I’m so direct when I say “what is it that you need because it feels like you’re trying to communicate something to me?”
Remember this: for a person with autism especially, anything other than clear and overt communication is either…you manipulating us into realizing your need because if you aren’t saying it—we don’t know. We just feel insecure because you’re acting strangely. I am HIGHLY and HYPER aware of my environment and sense shifts almost immediately. I just can’t always interpret what that shift means.
The moment you assume anything about anyone who you simply are not, you are wrong. The world I live in was designed for the neurotypical (white man) and for those of you out here existing and navigating this space with a brain that runs on overdrive…I salute you.
I’m Shelby. I’m 31. I like to lovingly refer to myself as the dumpster fire princess. I do very difficult things and I’ve accomplished things that many people who are neurotypical have. I’m compassionate and quick-witted and empathetic and I’ve heard that I often present as stupid, overwhelming or lost. But I’m just a human with ASD. This means that there are sensory areas in my brain that show more random activity and that my brain has a surplus of synapses between brain cells. Supah mega speedy.
I have ADHD. I am not self-diagnosed and, most probably aren’t wondering, but the “squirrel” joke got old 20 years ago.
Concretely and exactly, I have a neurodevelopment disorder—that’s a fancy way of saying that there are differences in my brain structure and function that affect my cognition and that it developed during my childhood.
It also means that my frontal lobe is smaller than a neurotypical person. That is: memory, planning, motivation, and time perception…in my brain, these things don’t operate in a consistent or predictable way. I have low levels of tonic dopamine, so it is incredibly difficult to maintain motivation and resist distraction.
Would you expect a person with no legs to complete a marathon without support or allowances?
Would you expect a person with a broken brain to just act like a person with a typical one? Just because our differences and challenges aren’t visibly obvious (and I’m not mentally prepared to discuss autism in adult women and the concept of masking symptoms and how exhausting that is and how it also perpetuates my adhd symptoms), our brains are still exhibiting very tangible and observable differences that affect the overall functionality. Our brains aren’t bleeding or bandaged but you still see the symptoms of a brain different than yours. That’s facts. It’s not a brain that is morally inferior to yours.
and I’m just out here practicing patience with myself every day. I know it’s frustrating to be around me sometimes. Imagine how it feels being the one doing the things that we know the world perceives as frustrating. It’s embarrassing and difficult and tiring. We know. We know. We know. We know you’re frustrated. We are too.
It’s just time to level with you and maybe we stop talking so much about my symptoms and start talking about the “why” in a morally neutral way. The opposite of your perceived order is not bad. It’s different. I want us all to live without fear or shame.
Understand that we do our best to assimilate with amphetamines and iced coffee. But it’s a double edged sword and a constant battle for your normal.
Spreading awareness and speaking the truth. Let people live. Be patient. Ask questions. Don’t assume.
The world we live in might not be super conducive to prospering in life with ASD/ADHD…but there’s enough space for us. You just have to make room (a little extra room actually because we come with a lot of…just…things and bags and emergency grapefruits and something I like to call “purse advil” and the occasional box of cereal I will eat all week and the items in my pockets and hands that I forgot were there until just now and the shoes I’m carrying because I forgot to put them on and the hairbrush in my purse because I always forget to look in the mirror and the deodorants in every important location I frequent and…just the literal and actual weight of it all). We come with a lot. Just more to love.
