Because I Don’t Understand Anymore. What do you believe? 07.28.2022

if human life is what i REALLY care about (and I think we’ve all established that i do)….

…and if advocating for all people to have access to the things I have access to and have always had access to my whole life for no other reason than this little one that, as a fetus, I had no control over:

I was born into my family because my parents had sex without me knowing about it and now I live here in this society/culture. So, in my neighborhood we had food, running water, a pet dog, safe schools, lots of white people, a school system that offered arts & sports and extra curricular activities. We had guidance counselors and dual enrollment opportunities in high school. And Western ethics and Evangelical Christianity were the only tools I had as my basis of morality. My decisions were simply shaped by me being born to two white parents who were also born to (or adopted by—in my dad’s case) two white parents in a middle class small town in Michigan. I didn’t choose my circumstances and the life I was born into, nature did. 

I can easily recognize that there are people in this world and in my country and in my own community that are born to VASTLY different circumstances. So, the only way to understand what that would be like is to seek out real life examples of people that are different than me and think of how my definition of morality and ethics might shift…an example of a situation that plays out over and over again in our communities. 

And then I imagine voting for a policy that will effectively force a single mother living in poverty to use her body to grow a baby. For the sake of that unborn baby. This woman comes from a long line of generational and racial trauma and poverty and she’s black. Her household income is around $25,000–and she does not have company funded medical benefits (and don’t even think about paid maternity leave). There is limited access to safe & reliable & affordable childcare & safe schools with access to helpful resources in the area where she lives because the houses in her area are not worth as much as a middle class white small town in michigan. Property taxes fund public schools. So, guess who has nicer school districts? 

And if she wants to get food for herself and her growing fetus, her job better accommodate for that addition to her life—but it won’t. 

So, she tries assistance programs but there are hoops to jump through to get those resources. And that would require a vehicle (but she don’t have one) and paid leave from her job (nope) and she’s currently struggling to feed just herself. She doesn’t have adequate insurance so she compiles medical debt. And even if she gave her baby up for adoption and some family (best case) pays her medical bills…she has persistent incontinence and painful clogged milk ducts and no money to treat any of it. And so…the baby goes to foster care. 

Now it’s 2022. And these anti-abortionists have been touting the same shit for years…so why the fuck is our foster care system so broken if you are insisting these babies be born. Why are there areas of such extreme poverty and desperation in our own communities where circumstances like this exist. And you’re worried about forcing a person to carry a baby for none other reason than that kid…must simply be…born? 

Did you forget they’re being born into two IMPOSSIBLE situations. Roughly half of foster youth nationwide never even finish high school. 1 in 5 will be homeless after that. And 1 in 4 will be involved in the criminal justice system—within 2 years of aging out or just simply disappearing from the system. 

Oh, if father is long gone and has given up rights to the child (4 out of every 10 children are born to a single parent home where the father has left—and it’s not illegal to do that, the law just takes their parental rights away after a period of time). And that happens all of the time. You can abandon and neglect your child as a father without any form of punishment or real compensation to the mother…and you’re worried about this kid being born? So, just assuming she can easily receive child support it and doesn’t have to go to the trouble of going to small claims—oh wait, we’ve already established it would be pretty difficult with no car, no money, no proper childcare or PTO to speak of.

…even so, child support on average is about $403/month for one kid (assuming a person lives in Michigan). But, she live in poverty. She has medical bills. Childcare. And then the cost of existing as a human in this country. And her circumstances cannot be changed in 9 months. 

But it is illegal to abort the fetus. So she has a kid but because of where she lives and what color her skin is…the kid will NEVER have the same opportunities I had. And statistically speaking, they will likely suffer. And how is that fair. Mom suffers physically and fiscally and emotional and mentally just so the fetus comes to term and is born with all the odds in the world against them. So, whose life gets better because of this? …and please don’t tell me her eternal life. We don’t even know if she knows about god or has ever been taken to a church or ever will. 

Not to mention, LOOK at how we treat young pregnant women in this country. We literally all sat on our asses and watched a show about children having babies for entertainment. Combine going through puberty and development with unsupportive father figures and unsupportive parents, oh…and take a trig final while you have morning sickness. 

So, again, whose life improves? Whose life gets better because this kid is born? The single mother’s? Is the kid’s life better simply because the kid was born? 

Or…is it your life that is better if she has this kid? 

Because you still get to go to heaven either way but you also don’t have to pay any of her expenses or watch her kid or live in her home or work her job. And if you care for the kid, is it just the fetus? Because that kid’s life is statistically going to be pretty horrible. 

…it’s pretty simple. You live in a reality where having a baby would upset your life quite a bit—as it does—but this situation would not be your reality. 

Just because I will never know this theoretical woman’s experiences first hand, what kind of American or Jesus lover would I be if I didn’t fight to end racial disparities and poverty and fight the root cause of these issues. We aren’t  taking care of our own citizens. People take care of what fulfills them personally...because that’s what they’ve been taught. 

And then they tell people they’ve earned everything they have through hard work. No. You were given your life and your circumstances. Because you were born to a family that made it easier for you. 

I want this world to be better and I am willing to give up my own climb to wealth and power and bigger houses and nicer cars to make sure of it. 

How many times this summer did you stress about having to get your lawn mowed? When there are people living in the city you live in that will never come close to owning a lawn mower. Or a lawn. Ever. 

And you just tithed 10% of your pay check to that church that people volunteer their time at to direct traffic toward on sundays to a building nicer than all the community centers that serve the homeless in your community. And everyone there looks like they got to church in a late model SUV to BUY their latte at the church cafe to contribute to…more churches and church cafes? While people starve on the streets less than 15 minutes from the front doors. But please tell me how you’re doing the lord’s work.

I have no qualms with people who have a hard time conceiving a reality where a woman would choose to abort a fetus, rather than bring them into the world or (other option) put them into the foster care system that is irrefutably broken.

But you are not pro-life. You are anti-abortion. And you think it’s your religious duty to vote to prevent murder. But it just doesn’t happen that way. Numbers go up. You hurt our country and humankind by deliberately forcing women/people (and children) to carry a fetus to term when they can’t afford to sustain a pregnancy or another human life and the alternative is just as bad. You take and destroy more lives than you save them. And that’s just a fact. 

We cannot stay the same anymore. Look around you—if all your closest friends look the same as you—think similarly and believe the same things as you—if they never correct you or question you or challenge you, how will you ever really know if you’re the one that’s right? If you’re all the smartest people in the room, does that really mean that there is such a huge divide between human beings that we are unwillingly to accept that someone else’s life and family might matter too? …like can you really say that you are just protecting your belief system? Because I don’t understand that anymore. What do you believe? That suddenly everyone is going to become a Christian and be saved from their circumstances and never have an abortion again? How exactly would that happen? What policies should we support?

I cannot say that I would be making the same decisions in any way shape or form…let alone what kind of decisions I’d be even ABLE to make about my reproductive health in that situation. 

And that’s assuming I’m straight presenting. 

No one, with ABSOLUTE and full confidence, could ever say they would know what is best for someone else’s life without knowing exactly where they came from and the generations and generations that led to them being in their circumstance. 

If you really care about saving lives and not a tired rhetoric that you only believe because your mom and your pastor told you to, worry about your own life. Don’t have any abortions yourself and you’ll go to heaven. We’ll be busy trying to build the kingdom HERE. Thy will be done. 

help me understand 05.09.2022

You love them until they openly reject your rhetoric. 

You love them until it’s hard for you to listen to their opinion because it’s not the same as yours. 

You follow closely until it requires you to pull the plank from your eye. 

You love them with a clause. 

You love them “even though they….” 

You love her “we just can’t…”

You love her “but…”

You love her “…despite”

What you’re saying is “we love them even though they aren’t worthy of love…” and some of you think this was the message of Jesus. 

That we are to love everyone even though they aren’t worthy of it. So we use this to help us justify our hatred for people. Listen to me. I’ve heard this at dinner tables I’ve sat at:

“Well. You know. She has a girlfriend now. But. You know. We are still called to love her even though she’s gay. Ellen is gay, and we love Ellen.”

But, Jesus’ message was not this message. It wasn’t the message of “love others even though they are sinners because some sinners are cool and do good things”. 

He said…no one here on earth is worthy of love in the way that our faith has traditionally defined it (with rules and sins and hatred for defiance to the rules and laws of sin) 

And the message was that all our “sins” are weighed equally. So, we love everyone because everyone here is worth it. PERIOD. There weren’t exceptions to this love. Do you understand? The Jesus I learned about said…fuck your religion. Fuck your theology. Love one another without reservation. 

WE should LOVE People WITHout CONDITIONS. 

Unconditional. Agape love. Isn’t this the good news?

I’m so confused. Where is Jesus? Where is this Jesus you talk about? Where is the Jesus that surrounded himself with the filth of society? With people like me? 

Where is this Jesus? He’s not in your church. 

Are we supposed to isolate ourselves from the problems of this world???? 

Are we only to be friends with people who align with our own thinking? Are we only to love people who look like us? 

Where is your God? Who is all powerful and all knowing? If he is all powerful how is he contained in that book written by a man in a world we didn’t live in? How can you dare to know YOUR truth is the only truth?

How can you reject a world where the people were fully cared for?

Where is this god you spoke of to me who loves us all and befriended the unloved who bucked society’s rules? Where is this Jesus here? 

He’s not in your church. He’s not in your heart. What good are you doing by setting yourself apart from a world that’s growing and learning to love people better than you? 

Where is your Jesus? Where is your growth? Where is your heart? Why are you complicit in this bullshit? What are you fighting for? Love???

Where is your compassion and love and where are your eyes at? Where is your resistance to this….idolatry? 

Lay it down. Like really lay it down. What legacy are you leaving with compliance to this system of “love” on the basis of attendance and your tithe??? What good was ever done by following the status quo??? 

This is the idolatry he spoke of. This is the madness Jesus spoke of. Jesus was not a Christian. He was a man. A Jewish man. Who was sick of rules deciding who was taken care of and who was loved. Who was sick of a system profiting off of a perceived salvation. 

It feels like the current systems of Christian love have bastardized a man’s legacy in the name of their own comfort and salvation. If we take away your church, if we take away your idea of sin and salvation…what do you have left now? Can you still love people without this and could you go out into the world and love people like Jesus from the Bible? Because it seems like everyone else is doing it better than you. It seems like everyone else is fighting harder than you for the oppressed to be heard. For the broken and sick to be healed. For the hungry to be fed. For the lost to be found. Not the white woman to buy a new house and car in a nice neighborhood and good schools. We shouldn’t thank God for that. We should thank God our circumstances allowed for that and do our best to make sure we fill the cups of others whenever possible. Because we have the means to. 

JESUS FOUGHT FOR THE OPPRESSED. JESUS DIDNT FIGHT FOR THOSE WHO WERE REPRESENTED. He was popular because he went against the churches. The organized. The regulators. 

Lay it fucking down. This is your power. This is the power of the Pharisees. The power to control the uncontrolled. 

You feel good attending on sundays because it rids you of the guilt you feel for clinging to your possessions and your nice way of living while the underprivileged people that can’t even afford to drive to your church on Sunday suffer because they can’t find something to eat and they aren’t in a different country—THEY ARE ON YOUR CITY STREETS. 

Tell me why there are 2 MEGA CHURCHES in Kalamazoo, MI where the head pastors live in absolute luxury but there are still people LINING up for free food at the organizations that try to provide for the hungry and homeless in Kalamazoo. WHERE IS YOUR JESUS. WHERE IS HE. 

WHY is it that these churches in Kalamazoo can open multiple locations. Million dollar facilities on the same streets where I was asked for cash on Saturday night? They can endorse beautiful establishments in the most sought after real estate in the city and staff them but there are still homeless, there are still hungry, there is still gun violence, there is still racism…..HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHERE IS YOUR JESUS. 

I want your Jesus here. I want His Kingdom to come here. I want that Jesus. I want him deeply. I require that Jesus in this world. But I do not see him in the faces of you. I do not see him at your church. I do not feel him in your hearts when I hear you sit around the dinner tables and express your disgust for queer people, and your disgust for a young black mother relying on WIC for her similac, express your disgust for a pregnant woman who is pregnant with her 5th child by a different man because she was the victim of sexual abuse and neglect for most of her life and was never able to understand the meaning of love and the right to choose who touched her body. 

You want to protect your ability to feel better about your life because the current laws and systems support the safety and preservation of the life you enjoy. And heaven forbid you make sacrifices to that life. Because you earned it, damnit. You worked hard for it. And you shouldn’t have to give anything up for the lives of others! What’s that, Jesus? Oh yeah, I LOVE JESUS. He’s my hero. Long live my savior. He saved my life and I am called to be more like him! 

Where is your Jesus. Tell me. Where is your heart for more than the people in your life that look like you. That live like you. That live near you. That talk like you. Where is your love for the people in your city living in filth and poverty and hardship and your version of sin …they’re not at your church. Would Jesus be at your church? God. No. He wouldn’t. Ok?

forever scarlet 04.23.2022

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I was having a lovely evening with friends. I didn’t have a corkscrew. So I offered to go drive down the road to buy one. So I did. I went in and bought Chex mix. And I left and got in my car and realized I forgot the corkscrew. I went back in. They don’t have corkscrews. I drove further up the road to a different store. I went in and picked up a bottle of champagne. They didn’t have corkscrews. But the store owner gave me his and told me to bring it back tomorrow. I went to pay for my champagne. I had the wrong card. I went out to my car and got the right one. Drove back to the studio. Walked inside. Realized I forgot the corkscrew in my car. Walked outside and searched my car and realized that it wasn’t in my car. It was in my purse. I went back inside. Sobbing and exhausted because I know that I struggle. I know that. 

I also know that I have to actively combat the negativity of actually experiencing these things. I will realize the mistake and shame and scold myself for being forgetful and time blind and irresponsible and disrespectful and…bad. 

It’s frustrating because it feels like I’m actively making choices to move in a forward direction…but then there are days like today that are filled with the constant irritation that I have fucked up…again. 

The eye rolls. The laughs I get with the stories I tell. The way I cope with humor by telling people about my adventures and they laugh because it’s cute and pathetic and quirky (it’s perceived as my personality and not my ASD/ADHD) and while it’s funny because it’s abnormal and outrageous, I’m actually just exhausted from having to explain why things just take me longer. And why I’m terrible at sarcasm. Why I can only wear a certain kind of sock, why I can’t touch paper, why I have said the word cockroach but meant cactus and McDonald’s when I meant Disneyland, why I sometimes start singing my feelings instead of feeling them, why I hate being touched if I don’t know you well enough, why I get anxious if I see a person in my peripherals, why I can’t understand you unless I’m either closing my eyes, doodling, or watching your mouth move. I hear you but I can’t understand you. This is why anything microfiber makes me want to rip my skin off, why static cling in my hair provokes a wildly uncontrollable urge to rip all of my hair out, why I listen to one song on repeat for up to months at a time, why I can effortlessly memorize raps and lyrics and site accurate statistics concerning topics that I’m passionate about. And why I sometimes have perfect and specific recall about a history subject that I took 6 hours to sit on my couch and learn everything about because I was hyper fixated. It’s also why I cannot memorize my route to work, why unless you are not being absolutely clear, I will not understand what you need. I can sense social cues but I will often adjust my behavior to see if it fixes things because I’m generally in fear of being scolded for being reactive or blunt. But now that I don’t do that, people get offended that I’m so direct when I say “what is it that you need because it feels like you’re trying to communicate something to me?” 

Remember this: for a person with autism especially, anything other than clear and overt communication is either…you manipulating us into realizing your need because if you aren’t saying it—we don’t know. We just feel insecure because you’re acting strangely. I am HIGHLY and HYPER aware of my environment and sense shifts almost immediately. I just can’t always interpret what that shift means. 

The moment you assume anything about anyone who you simply are not, you are wrong. The world I live in was designed for the neurotypical (white man) and for those of you out here existing and navigating this space with a brain that runs on overdrive…I salute you. 

I’m Shelby. I’m 31. I like to lovingly refer to myself as the dumpster fire princess. I do very difficult things and I’ve accomplished things that many people who are neurotypical have. I’m compassionate and quick-witted and empathetic and I’ve heard that I often present as stupid, overwhelming or lost. But I’m just a human with ASD. This means that there are sensory areas in my brain that show more random activity and that my brain has a surplus of synapses between brain cells. Supah mega speedy. 

I have ADHD. I am not self-diagnosed and, most probably aren’t wondering, but the “squirrel” joke got old 20 years ago. 

Concretely and exactly, I have a neurodevelopment disorder—that’s a fancy way of saying that there are differences in my brain structure and function that affect my cognition and that it developed during my childhood. 

It also means that my frontal lobe is smaller than a neurotypical person. That is: memory, planning, motivation, and time perception…in my brain, these things don’t operate in a consistent or predictable way. I have low levels of tonic dopamine, so it is incredibly difficult to maintain motivation and resist distraction. 

Would you expect a person with no legs to complete a marathon without support or allowances? 

Would you expect a person with a broken brain to just act like a person with a typical one? Just because our differences and challenges aren’t visibly obvious (and I’m not mentally prepared to discuss autism in adult women and the concept of masking symptoms and how exhausting that is and how it also perpetuates my adhd symptoms), our brains are still exhibiting very tangible and observable differences that affect the overall functionality. Our brains aren’t bleeding or bandaged but you still see the symptoms of a brain different than yours. That’s facts. It’s not a brain that is morally inferior to yours. 

and I’m just out here practicing patience with myself every day. I know it’s frustrating to be around me sometimes. Imagine how it feels being the one doing the things that we know the world perceives as frustrating. It’s embarrassing and difficult and tiring. We know. We know. We know. We know you’re frustrated. We are too.

It’s just time to level with you and maybe we stop talking so much about my symptoms and start talking about the “why” in a morally neutral way. The opposite of your perceived order is not bad. It’s different. I want us all to live without fear or shame. 

Understand that we do our best to assimilate with amphetamines and iced coffee. But it’s a double edged sword and a constant battle for your normal. 

Spreading awareness and speaking the truth. Let people live. Be patient. Ask questions. Don’t assume. 

The world we live in might not be super conducive to prospering in life with ASD/ADHD…but there’s enough space for us. You just have to make room (a little extra room actually because we come with a lot of…just…things and bags and emergency grapefruits and something I like to call “purse advil” and the occasional box of cereal I will eat all week and the items in my pockets and hands that I forgot were there until just now and the shoes I’m carrying because I forgot to put them on and the hairbrush in my purse because I always forget to look in the mirror and the deodorants in every important location I frequent and…just the literal and actual weight of it all). We come with a lot. Just more to love.

chameleon 07.10.2021

 Shelby trying to list off brands of chewing tobacco: 

“YUKON!”

“TAHOE!”

“HUSKY!”

Everyone else, “……grizzly?”

WHOMAN “Who’s your human?” 07.12.2021

But seriously the feminine/masculine energy concept is so so so very interesting to me. Because it eliminates the traditional concept of biological gender. And it just talks about a human being in an intangible sense. Meaning it’s not about the vessel that holds our being, it’s about the parts of who we are that can’t be explained in a physical sense. The makeup of WHO we are and not WHAT we are.

A human that was created with two types of…energies (Feminine/Masculine) that express themselves in differing amounts. The more accepted concept of gender identification or the more accepted finite definitions of Femininity vs. Masculinity assume that a human is one or the other but not both. And society determines whether you are one versus the other by only one criterion: the type of sex organs that are on your body. But the reality is that both Feminine and Masculine energy exist within all of us. More often than not, one will express itself more dominantly than the other. When we say things like “he’s a man’s man” or “she’s a girly girl” or “she’s a tom boy” or “he’s a bit feminine” we are actually describing how dominant their Masculinity or Femininity is. Occasionally, they express themselves at similar levels. (This reminds me of this tiktok trend I’m obsessed with called “bi wife energy” where a bisexual wife films their husband in the grocery store and it generally portrays the husband’s exuding an energy that differs from a husband with a straight wife. And it’s true! And I am going to try my best to tell you why I think that is.) 

Here’s a graphic from The Better Me:

The graphic appropriately describes both types of energy. I like that the masculine and feminine descriptors have no bias toward a biologically defined gender. The words aren’t inherently male or female. None of the words in the diagram have discrete negative or positive connotations. The diagram also conveys that the two energies are in balance. 

I’m asserting that if you’re looking for a person that you are compatible with, there must be a balance of masculine and feminine energy between the two of you. In a fulfilling relationship, a human being would be free to express both their masculine and feminine energy with ease. And the other will feel the same freedom of expression. Nothing feels hidden or unsafe.

For example, I was married before and completely unhappy. The relationship required me to solely express masculine energy. I felt responsible for everything and I was extremely disciplined. There was absolutely no room for me to express my feminine energy. And for me, I’m in balance if I’m expressing more feminine than masculine. I was wonky and unfulfilled. The marriage failed because I burnt out. I had no time to be creative or supportive. I had no space to reflect and ground. I had no energy left to be nurturing or empathetic. I had no time to be myself. No space to be myself.

I’m now in a healthy marriage and my partner naturally exudes a masculine energy with a smaller expression of feminine energy. He is notably empathetic and patient and grounded and reflective. Whereas, my character is more closely aligned with a feminine energy with a small dose of expressed masculinity because I am also confident, I tend to seek appreciation, and I have a strong presence. 

Together, we have balance. Yin and yang, y’all.

The trick here is to live authentically. Who you are is not always what the world perceives you as. Who you are is not defined by another’s perception of you at all. Yet, so many allow their entire identity to hinge upon anybody else’s reality but their own. The goal should never be to change a person’s perception of you. The goal is that how others perceive you and what you REALLY are made of…end up being synonymous. In other words, the you that only you see should also be the you that everyone else sees. 

Because these two energies are going to fight within us trying to confuse “who we are” with “who we want the world to think we are”. The world says we are one or the other and the world also tends to say that the masculine energy is acceptably expressed only by men and that it is more valuable than feminine expression. Feminine energy is only acceptably expressed by a woman. But even though it’s acceptable, it’s less valuable to the society I live in.

My whole life I’ve loved the color pink and taking care of baby dolls and babies. And I love glittery things. And I love singing at the top of my lungs in my bedroom and throwing on some brightly colored clothes and my sister’s high heels and making up dances and feeling the music. I love the creativity and vibrancy of it. I love how the music and the dancing is a way for me to connect with my emotions and work through them. My senior year of high school, I journaled every single day because I needed space to express my feminine energy by reflecting and grounding.  I love that these are creative and vulnerable activities. These things are not bad or unusual. But I grew up thinking that I couldn’t do any of them without some small level of insecurity because the world told me that loving pink and glitter and playing with dolls was for wussies or girls that weren’t tough or strong. I grew up thinking that if I was vulnerable and cried when I was sad, I was not being logical and I lacked confidence and discipline. If I spent time working through my emotions by putting pen to paper or scream singing in the car…I was dramatic and broody. My preferences and forms of expression were not wrong or negative. And even if I were a man, and this was how I expressed myself—it would, at the very least, seem to abnormal to some. Because I would be a man expressing with feminine energy. So, not only am I  being measured and perceived as “right” or “wrong” by my ability to act in tandem with my assigned gender and society’s affiliated and appropriate expression of it. But I’m also a bit inhibited because we haven’t valued the feminine as much as we really should.

If I was logical and confident, I was also intimidating or bitchy. If I was creative or imaginative, I was also illogical and irresponsible. If I had a strong presence, I was annoying and disruptive. If I was responsible and disciplined, I was boring. But if a man is logical and responsible and strong and disciplined—he’s promoted and praised. That’s where the difference lies. 

People’s perception of me was inhibiting my ability to be who I really was. Before I had a choice in the matter, my biological gender was associated with weakness and because my femininity makes up a lot of who I am. I could have ended up stifled and stagnant if I continued to buy into the lie that I must adapt in order to be accepted and valued. I realize now that the Feminine and Masculine do not exist independent of one another. We can be creative and disciplined. We can be logical and vulnerable. We can be both trusting and analytical. 

Think about it this way. Do you know any identical twins (this also works for siblings that aren’t even twins)? Identical twins share the exact same DNA code (siblings get equal amounts of DNA from the same two people). In the more extreme case of twins, all of their physical attributes should be exactly alike. But the kicker is that they have their own distinctive personalities. Even if they are raised in the same home and subjected to the same outside environment. One human being might be more reflective and nurturing and introverted (more feminine) while the other human that has the exact same genetic makeup (sex organs and all) might be described as a more focused and analytical individual (masculine). But if they were finitely assigned to be only female and feminine at birth, we generally would describe that person’s character strictly by the FEMININE traits they are either lacking in or expressing more of. For example, the first biologically female twin might be described as being “a mother hen” or “emotional” (generally feminine descriptors but with a tone that’s somewhat demeaning). The second biologically female twin who is more often described as focused and analytical might be called “boring” or “uptight” because they’re describing their lack of a more dominant feminine expression as being inadequate and unnatural. When they are both perfectly normal… I’m not saying everyone is this narrow minded. But I am saying that the bias likely exists in all of us. I’m an advocate for equity, but I still see that my bias exists within me. And I choose to recognize and fight against it.

So…we have a world of people living in a constant battle with their natural state of being. The Feminine and the Masculine energies within people are at an imbalance because the world and society have polarized them. You’re one or the other, but can’t be both. Unless you reject the societal norm and choose to walk in who you are as YOU define yourself (and sever the tie between the tangible biological definition of Self that is finite and constrained with the intangible concept of Self that allows for uniqueness and authenticity), you may never experience a world of opportunities and experiences.

What sucks is that it seems society went even further and assigned some level of morality (good vs. bad) with how closely your biological gender aligns with a Masculine or Feminine energy. It seems like biologically defined females are only acceptably human if they express only feminine energy (but not too much because that’s bad, too). And males are only masculine if they are not effeminate. This assumption that if someone has a penis they cannot also be nurturing and vulnerable…is just wrong. Is it so hard to recognize that these coexist in all of us and should be expressed as such. When both energies are being expressed freely without bias or fear, they make up the whole of us that is truly authentic. 

So when we search for authentic connections, we are just searching for someone that’s equal and opposite energy to us because we know that they will hold space for us to express ourselves. If we all stopped masking and living within confined and dangerous gender expectations, so many more relationships would be harmonious (including the relationship we have with ourselves). But, it seems like we’d rather buy the bigger truck or shop for clothes we don’t need instead of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and feel feelings. We would rather dissociate than have a good cry.  What if we could just do both of those things because we fucking wanted to. I’d love to have a good cry in a nice big truck I just bought. But, in the past, I didn’t allow space to express both energies without fear. I cried when I was alone and felt shame and I bought clothes or things to distract from my real need to process emotion by being vulnerable and reflective. Imagine a world…or don’t. I can’t yet. Because it feels like if you are dominantly Feminine, you are either consciously or unconsciously perceived as weak and if you are dominantly Masculine, you can be seen strong and valued (good vs bad).

Weak. Strong. Last I checked, weak is not a synonym for creative, supportive, or trusting. Remember when I said that the listed words in that diagram were not characteristically associated with traditional (or outdated or obsolete or junk science) gender descriptors. I also said that none of the words had a discrete connotation. But it’s clear that weak is negative. And strong is positive. They have arguably discrete connotations. In other words…Strong is attractive. Weak is not. Strong is positive. Weak is negative. Strong is valued. Weak is useless. Strong is healthy. Weak is sick. The world has it twisted. The true Self is nuanced. And for whatever reason, society sees Masculine qualities as having more value than Female qualities. So, we either mask and choose to express ourselves unnaturally, which will only foster shallow relationships and a life of complacency or unrest. OR we live authentically and find relationships that allow for full freedom of expression. We are not binary. We are complex and multifaceted beings.

To sum it up, it’s time to change the narrative. Science is so great for the things that can be explained tangibly. But personalities and expression of Self are quite difficult to define. We can’t hold the divine Feminine in the palm of our hand like we can our organs. So, why do we use our sex organs that we, as humans, could neither control or predict… to be the only factor to play into the very intangible aspects of our being. Isn’t our personality more than our organs? But I have heard men called “pussies” when they are being emotional. And I have heard people describe men and women as ballsy “so they take shit from no one and are extremely effective leaders”. As if having one or the other determines your worth to society. And let’s not even get into the fact that balls happen to be the most sensitive part of the male body and can’t take a beating at all. And our female organs take a beating every month and then stretch to the size of the equator to birth a LIVE CHILD out of and somehow we still call bravery and strength “ballsy”. We might have only one set of sex organs (usually), but we have both types of energy (always). And both are needed and valuable. Similar to the fact that a biologically defined male generally has less estrogen than a female, but they still have estrogen. And those with female anatomy generally have less testosterone than a male, but they still have testosterone. And hormone levels vary from person to person. We will express both and we should seek out the BALANCE. 

It’s so simple, Emily. I’ve found the equation! I’m going to start a dating app. What should I call it? How about…

WHOMAN

“Who’s your human?”

That’s the name of the app and the tag line. 

What They Should Teach Us In School 7/10/2021

Mindfulness and meditation to quiet mind chatter (by doing art or listening to music or moving your body or breath work, etc.). We should learn more about diversity, equity & inclusion and understanding the unconscious bias. And…nutrition for health and wellness and not body mass index. And maybe teaching them how to establish essential values for themselves and how to live by them and how all facets of their life would be affected if they were or were not truly honoring those values. Maybe we stop forcing a freshmen in high school to choose a career pathway…when they are almost 10 years away from their prefrontal cortex being fully developed. So, why don’t we teach people to figure out who they are and invite them to embrace all of it and walk firmly in that before they figure out how they’re going to get a job that has good retirement benefits so they can be comfortable FIFTY years from when they are being asked to contemplate it. I don’t even know what I am gonna eat for dinner, let alone what I’ll be doing just ONE year from now. So many young adults feel like they are lacking real purpose and they’re unhappy. So, if you could teach an adolescent to periodically check in with what drives them and WHY it drives them (essential values)…they’ll feel more fulfilled in the long run because they’ll have a strong awareness of self that allows them to name their emotions, how they’re expressing them, the level of importance, and what the situation calls for in order to realize harmony within all relationships. And maybe then we would have a more capable and confident workforce because they chose a job that fit well with their inherent and known strengths.

Sick Of Dave Matthews Band 07.08.2021

 To Stefani

It has taken me so long to get the energy to write this to you. Because nothing felt right and I don’t think I was ready to process all of this. I don’t think any of us ever will be. I know I’m experiencing pain but I also know the pain I feel is just a fraction of the pain that aunt cheryl, uncle Mike, Daddy, Jer, JR, and Mack are feeling. I’m writing this to you because I miss you and I love you and you left us far too soon and I never got to tell you all the memories I cherished growing up with you. To note: saving us when our car broke down, coloring with me, asking me to make you a morning playlist because you were getting sick of Dave Matthews band, when I was 7 I remember you taking me on a ride in your convertible Spyder with the top down on Thanksgiving day in Chicago—simply because I asked you, and shooting hoops with us in the basement for hours and hours. 

But. Why I’ve finally found the strength to write this is…

I’m sitting in my backyard watching tiktoks. And it was this video of a girl just sitting there with some soft music playing. And the sound then prompts her to close her eyes and imagine the younger you running up to the current you to give you a hug. And first of all I was not at all prepared for the waterworks that I experienced…But, second of all, I just had the vision of you, Stef. Because as a kid, I remember seeing you and being so excited to hug you. I thought you were the prettiest lady in all of the land. I told everyone when I was in 1st grade that I wanted to be an eye doctor. You were the best cousin a girl could dream up. 

Because you always saw us. But, like, in a way that made us feel so special and cared for and known. 

And, I guess, as an adult, I realize I’ve been trying so hard to emulate the love that you showed me and being that to the little people in my life. i have 4 nieces that absolutely adore their “auntie shelby” when i walk in the door, lots of little hands grab mine and lead me to their next adventure at mimi and peepo’s. i wanted to be their favorite when they walked in a room because of how I felt about you when I was their age. So, I’ve succeeded and I know that now. Especially after watching that video. I’m a total mess as I write this because I am so so grateful for you and all you brought to my life and so many others. This isn’t fair. I’ll never understand it. But I love you so very much. And I will admire all that you are for the rest of my life.