Monday, March 3, 2014

By Design 03.06.14


I really want to spare you the gory details of my dramatic middle school/high school life. Yeah, I really want to. But this would not be a testimony if I didn't walk you through who I was then.

Woo. Here we go. I'm shaking out my heart muscles. 

I'm...13, 14, 15,16, 17, 18, 19, 20.  I never went a day without thinking of who my next boyfriend would be. I'm sure some of you can relate.

It was clear that there was a hole in my soul. 

So, my emptiness (caused by my insecurity) was filled with boyfriends. Seems harmless, right? 

It wasn't for me.  It was scarring. My identity was found in how many guys liked me and what they thought of me.

I was attending church.  I was somewhat searching for a Christian guy to call mine.  But I found myself compromising so that I didn't feel lonely. Ever told yourself, "Well, he goes to church sometimes..."? I would even go so far as to drag these boys to my church with me, and it was clear they didn't know the first thing about salvation and Jesus Christ.  Some of them didn't even own a Bible. 

Not only did I start compromising my choices in guys, I started compromising my security in Christ.

I remember once I was in the 8th grade and a boy told me that I had a weird nose, that it looked like I had broken it before. I never forgot it. I would sometimes stare in the mirror at my imperfection wondering what I could do about it (nothing). 

I also struggled with severe acne in junior high/middle school.  Back when there was "myspace", people could leave anonymous comments on your profile. I had some pretty nasty anonymous things posted by a guy on my profile about my face. Do you think I ever remembered the nice things that a guy said? I only remembered that one... 

I didn't care that God thought I was beautiful.  That He made me flawless. No mistakes. 

And then after awhile, when my soul was running low on Jesus, I started compromising my purity to try and fill that void.  

I was seeing a guy who asked me to send a provocative photo of myself to him and then he would send one to me. I hate to say this, but I did it. A few months later, the photo was put into the wrong hands and distributed to more people than I knew.  I had never felt so vulnerable and further from God in my life.  I was looking for approval from one guy, and instead I got the opinions of more than I could count.  I was trying to get my fill of temporary happiness with approval from one guy, and in an instant I had never felt so alone and empty.  I walked into school the day after I heard what had happened and ran to our guidance counselor, head in hands, and told her everything. I contemplated suicide more than once and I was sent away to a place to work through my emotion. You heard of rock bottom? Yep, I've been there.  I wish I could tell you this is where I got up and turned my life around, but it's not. It was a slow climb up to where I'm at now. I lost a lot of my friends, I disappointed my family and I found no refuge in my church, either. Talk about emptiness.  I was wounded and dirty.  Thrown to the wolves. I tried to blame others.  But really, it was my choices that led me to that place. 

Side note, girls, please respect yourselves.  Don't be tricked or fooled by society.  You are so beautiful.  But you were made to be appreciated by one man only AFTER he's promised you and God that he'll take care of you for the rest of your life. This sexting stuff is a real problem and it should not be spoken of lightly.

Anyway, 

When you stand before God, even in prayer, you can't access Him if your heart isn't pure. (This is the beauty of Jesus: grace and forgiveness.)  My heart wasn't pure.  It was filled with SO much JUNK. 

I couldn't fully access Christ, because there was always a barrier (all that junk).  And the barrier was usually the current guy I was looking at.  If you want an analogy: You're standing at a doorway, you can see the outside and it looks awesome.  Then someone shuts the door. Now ya can't see nothin'. 

Yeah, guess what?  I suck at analogies. But, the concept is really simple. Except instead of opening the door to see the outside again (be in tune with Jesus) break down that stinkin' door, throw it away, and don't look back (ie., leave those men that are holding you back...and find Jesus). Aren't you enjoying these analogies? If you're reading this and there is a lady/man that is causing you to not experience Christ the way he intended you to...do that junky door thing.  The only person that can really fill the voids in your life? You guessed it.... is Jesus.  

We have to be in line with what God wants for us. I guarantee you that God is preparing a wonderful person for you to spend your life with; however, in turn God asks that you also prepare yourself.  You can't expect your wonderful Christian love to walk into your life if you yourself aren't also walking in the ways of Christ and being filled daily by Him and Him ALONE. 

Also, this is not a gray area. The Bible is really clear about how to do this. If you need some scripture, feel free to email me or message me. 

Anyway,

I read this thought somewhere and it completely blew me away.  It's simple and astounding.

Did you know God created you with a longing?

He created you to have desires so that He himself could be the one you desire and the one to make you feel whole.

This is crazy to me: Everything you are, all the things you feel... are by design.


When God created man, he knew that there would be earthly things like boyfriends/girlfriends/promotions/money/drinking/drugs/retail/etc. He knew that we would have empty spaces in our soul that we would try to fill with earthly stuff.  But he also knew that we would never really feel satisfied until we sought out Jesus. Until we filled our hearts with the love of Christ. 

And when I realized this a lot of things changed for me. I no longer sought approval from one man or the next... I sought to honor God with my life and my relationships. 




1 comment:

  1. You never, ever disappointed your momma--life was hard but we got through it together...and we ALL grew!

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